Reading the statistics about how often a couple has sex makes some wonder: ‘What’s wrong with me?’ The fact is that these numbers are not necessarily representative of the whole population. Still, the question remains: What stops you from having sex with your partner?
We used to have sex all the time!
We can find a multitude of reasons why the frequency of intimacy and sexual intercourse in specific usually decreases over the course of a relationship. First of all, it depends on the libido of the people involved, so keep that in mind while continuing to read this article. One reason that applies to all of us is that at the beginning of a relationship, while a couple is filled with ‘honeymoon hormones’ the drive to have sex is the highest. Given that this state lasts anywhere from six to 18 months and then decreases, it makes sense that so does the desire. This reason is based in biology and it is said that it is linked to the average time it takes to procreate and conceive a baby.
In addition to that we also enter into a different way of interacting as the relationship progresses. Some couples move in together, have babies, jobs, bills to pay and life takes over. From being very focused on the other at the beginning of the relationship we come back to ourselves a bit more. Where at the beginning of a relationship you meet and all you do is focus on each other, later you might spend time in the same location with each other and you might be doing some work, paying bills, doing some housework etc.
With time we are also less able to just show the ‘perfect me’ and become more of the ‘real me’, which at times has negative emotions spilling over or annoying habits showing up. In all relationships that I have been working with it has also been obvious that the longer a relationship lasts, the more reactions are experienced to the differences in a couple. Things that might not have been obvious in the beginning suddenly stand out as if they are highlighted. And some of these lead to disappointment, resentment and conflict.
Get your mind out of the way
The strongest block in sexuality that I have come across in my couples work is the mind. Next time you deny your partner sex, ask yourself: What’s going on in my mind? What am I telling myself about him or her, about the situation etc.? The power of your mind can stand between you and your partner’s sexual enjoyment. In addition it is where we hold our limiting beliefs (for example: I’m not sexy enough, I shouldn’t enjoy sex or sex is bad), judgments (for example: He’s just not doing it right, she is not willing to be experimental etc.) and rules (for example: I can only have intercourse when…). If you start listening to your inner conversations, you will get an idea of the powerful blocks you’ve set up for yourself!